And apparently he really is their sugar daddy, or whatever, because there's zero hesitation when they suggest buying a fancy new washing machine on a whim. Just this. ]
[ omg jesse don't humor all their random whims, darcy is nothing but a collection of random whims in a trenchcoat. (lbr that's why they like him so much.) ]
now???
i mean i dont wanna NOT go now but r u sure??? i wasnt like serious
the washing machine we have now really does suck tho
[ the scene: jesse gets a text bomb in the middle of the night from Someone who decided it was time to depression drink a bottle of depression schnapps alone in their room and is left feeling drunk some kind of way after it. (does darcy even usually drink? no, because it brings back frat party memories. maybe that's why they went so hard, in a "face your fears" but actually stupid way. (they have never attempted a half-measure in their entire life.) ]
[ As if he could ever say no to them. But when they wander in, he peeks up from the nest of blankets he's curled up in, eyes squinting and hair sticking up all over the place. ]
Hey, c'mere. [ He scoots over, taking most of the blankets with him, making room on the other side of the bed for them to climb in without risking touching him. ] What's up? You okay?
[ darcy walks across the room with a slight wobble before unceremoniously dropping to sit on jesse's bed in the space provided. as far as appearance goes, they're more or less the same as always — oversized sweater and leggings, hair twisted into a messy, untied braid. ]
Mm-hmm. I decided I'm gonna touch you. I decided.
[ darcy's one braincell, usually: that sounded weird and creepy i should clarify it and also apologize a few times for my general inability to speak darcy's one brain cell on drugs drunk: HAHA YEET MOTHERFUCKERS
anyway: the situation becomes more clear when they're close enough to tell that they smell like an alcoholic jolly rancher and instead of talking at the pace of "oxygen is in short supply", their speech is more deliberate (and slightly slurred.) ]
Give me your hand, okay?
[ they hold out their own hand for taking, palm up, imbued with courage/stupidity. ]
[ Darcy's his best friend, and he'd do anything they ask. In fact, most of Jesse's free time these days is spent catering to Darcy's every whim and kind of loving it. But for all the time they spend together, drinking or getting high or just hanging out for hours on end, there's one line they don't cross. Darcy hasn't touched him since the day they met outside Denny's, when they'd put their hands around his throat and nearly killed him. It's not that Jesse's afraid of them. It had been a demonstration - maybe not the best thing to do to a stranger to convince them how dangerous you are, but it had all worked out fine. Jesse knows they wouldn't hurt him, not really.
But he also knows how anxious they are about it. How they still freeze up a little if he happens to get too close for comfort. And he can smell whatever fruity drink they'd been drinking from here. ]
Whoa, whoa, hey, Darce...
[ He looks at them, brow furrowed in concern, and doesn't offer his hand. ]
[ darcy laughs at their bizarre non-answer, because they are a comedian. meanwhile: their outstretched hand stays where it is, patiently waiting. steady, even. (or at least swaying with the rest of them, as opposed to trembling.) ]
Jesse. Jesse. [ their tone is righton the edge of whining. not there, but close. ] It's fine. I'm not... I'm not worried about it anymore, okay? I fixed me. It's okay. C'mon. It'll be fine.
[ they start to frown. ] Unless…. You’re scared of me? It’s kind of bullshit if you keep telling me I’m not a monster but you’re scared of me.
[ all this interrogation is not the reaction darcy had been hoping for. their expression sours. ]
No, no, no, I just mean... I'm not scared anymore. That's what's broken. Part of it. It sucks, okay? I don't like it. I don't like feeling like my chest is gonna explode, okay? So just... let me...
[ because they are both an assortment of impulses in a trenchcoat and not satisfied by not immediately getting what they want, their hand snakes to the side of jesse's face. hands soft, fingers not grazing but not pressing down. their touch has a warm, buzzing quality to it, but that's it. no attempted murder. (whew) yeet. they would possibly be staring if their gaze weren't so unfocused.
[ The sucky part is, he gets it. Jesse doesn't know what he'd do if he was like Darcy and too scared to touch anyone. It's bad enough just trying not to touch them, or even come close enough to risk it. He can't imagine how lonely it must be, living like that.
But he's not expecting them to actually reach out and touch him, and he's so taken off guard that his breath hitches at the soft contact before he can regain control of himself. He can feel something, a quiet buzzing under the gentle brush of their fingers, but it doesn't feel dangerous at all, and he just gazes at them, wide-eyed. His heart feels like it's beating too fast in his chest. ]
[ this is as far out of darcy's comfort zone as they can manage at the current moment, even with all the courage obtained by a whole bottle of pucker. their hand against the side of jesse's face — which is where it stays. ]
I just wanted ...
[ if they fucked it up with jesse? it would be fine. at least, thats what they told themselves. they could pull another disappearing act, yeet across the country. maybe not even have a panic attack at denny's in the process.
but the thought of needing to do it makes their heart sink in their chest. they'd never run away from a place they actually wanted to stay. it was a different vibe — a worse one. ]
I wanted to touch you again, okay? Without being too scared. Don't make me leave, okay? I don't want — I can't like anyone, so it's okay.
[ Jesse shakes his head urgently, eyes widening. ]
I don't want you to leave. I don't, okay?
[ No matter what else happens here, they have to understand that. He's tried so hard to make them feel safe here, to reassure them how much he wants them around. If they vanished, if they ran off and got hurt, he'd never forgive himself. He starts to reach up towards their hand on his cheek, then hesitates. ]
[ when they nod, it's intended to be towards the "okay?". they can believe that jesse wants them to stay — maybe it'll even sink in this time, instead of slipping through their memory like a sieve the next time they get too upset.
but then the question is accompanied by a follow-up question, and the beginning of movement. it's darcy's turn for their breath to catch in their chest, graze drifting from his hand and back to his face. ]
Okay. [ they nod again, for emphasis. ] Please. I ... don't change your mind about me. That's what I — what I was trying to say.
[ He's in way too deep for that. Darcy's been trying, to some extent, to convince Jesse to give up on them from the moment they'd met, and it hasn't worked yet. He sees them too clearly for that. He knows what it's like to be alone, to feel abandoned by your family, to feel like a monster. And Darcy's far from a monster, whatever they might think. They're a good person. A person Jesse cares about, a lot.
He raises his hand slowly, settling it over their smaller one and just resting it there. Just feeling their skin against his. He doesn't die. The world doesn't end.
[ their reaction is somewhere between holding in a laugh that comes out as a huff through their nose and starting to tear up. the self-loathing gremlin in the back of their mind is still whispering that they don't deserve this and that jesse could still change his mind, but the alcohol leaves the presence muted. ]
I can't because I'm looking at your face.
[ there it is. they laugh — at their own joke. (it doesn't matter that their hands are right there next to his face. still a joke.) it's nice to just... soak in his warmth? for once. for the first time in forever.mp3. ]
I don't feel good. Not because of your face or... your face.
[ darcy shakes their head in an effort to make jesse worry less that only succeeds in making their vision wobble while the fluid in the brain catches up with the rest of their body. ]]
I drank too much. If I slept on you like, with the blanket and clothes and stuff between us, maybe it would be okay?
Like, I wouldn't freak out. ... And a trash can, I might need that.
[ not wanting to untangle their hand from jesse's, their other hand wanders to his shirt. their fingers brush against his ches. testing those limits. so far, so good — as in, no stillness that sucks the air out of the room. it's possible they're too drunk to focus, anyway. ]
[ Oh, Darcy. Jesse just sighs inwardly, eyes trained on them. It sounds...really nice, actually. Just curling up with them, even with layers of fabric between the two of them.
But they're drunk. And what if they do freak out, waking up like that? What happens then?
Then Darcy's fingers brush against the front of his t-shirt, and he feels warmth bloom throughout his chest. He swallows hard. ]
C'mere.
[ His giant t-shirt and hoodie would probably be enough of a barrier on their own. But he drags up a blanket or two between them anyway, just in case, and then holds out his arms to pull them in close against him. ]
[ what will happen when they wake up? darcy hasn't thought about it. they've barely thought about what's happening right now. as new blankets are added into the equation, darcy's left sitting there feeling unmoored (and nauseous) until it's time to slide back against jesse. really nuzzle in there. ]
I'm like a burrito. [ they mutter, snorting about their little joke to themselves. (it's good, actually. jesse is warm and, layers aside, this is still the closest thing to close contact they've had in a minute. normally the thought of being too close, even allowing that potential, would freeze them in their tracks. now? it's... okay. ish. it's better. the ish is only ish because: ]
Hn... I can't feel my face. And I'm cold. [ they press themselves against jesse harder. ] It's not supposed to be cold. 's bullshit.
[ He does not control the weather, Darcy. Jesse throws one of the blankets over them, legit tucking them in against him. ]
It gets cold at night in the desert.
[ But he's there. And once the blankets are all arranged, he wraps his arms around them, pulling them in close.
It's nice. It's...really nice. Darcy's small and fits perfectly in the circle of Jesse's arms, and when he tucks his chin up on top of their head he feels...at peace in a way he hasn't for a long time. ]
[ they have a nice little chortle to themselves. the burrito mood distracts from the nausea of drinking too much. they crane their neck to get a better look at jesse, abruptly. ]
Hey. Hey. So, if I... liked you... would it be bad? I know you said I wouldn't have to leave, but...
[ what if he changes his mind? they're too tired to retread that thought spiral in full. ]
But what they say next has Jesse's heart stopping in his chest, so abruptly he swears they'll be able to feel it, pressed up against him as they are. He's silent for a moment, trying to regain control over his voice before he speaks. ]
Of course you don't have to leave.
[ Never. There's no question about that. But he swallows, his throat dry, not daring to move. ]
What...what do you mean? If you...
[ They can't mean what he thinks they do, can they? ]
[ the blanket burrito is an anti-movement cocoon, and darcy is thankful in this instance because it means they don't have to look at jesse while having an emotion. they can speak to the end of the bed, a less horrifying prospect.
darcy can't hear his heartbeat, but they can can feel the way he freezes — a familiar sensation, just usually with them doing the freezing. they shift themselves back towards him, feeling dumb and at a loss for what to do. (the drinking did not help.) ]
You're really.... mm. [ quietly, more like a mumble: ] You're not scared of me. And you're thoughtful. And it's funny when you say "bitch" a lot.
[ Jesse huffs a quiet laugh against their shoulder. No, he's not scared of them. And he likes making them happy, and making them laugh.
But all that could mean anything. It's all stuff they could say to a friend, and it wouldn't be weird. It doesn't make sense for them to ask if it's okay to like him as a friend. That would be stupid. But then, Darcy's also very drunk, and doing shit that normally they would never do. Like cuddling here with him. Letting him touch them.
He wants to push a little more, find out exactly what they'd meant, but he's also kind of scared of what they might say. Or how they might react once they sober up and start thinking straight again.
Whenever I wanna do dumb shit you're so down. I could be like, "let's go to Hong Kong," and you'd be like "okay babe, we're going to Hong Kong."
[ they laugh at the fantasy they've created where jesse calls them babe. they laugh so hard they snort about it, even, vibrating in the blanket burrito. was it even that funny??? no, lbr. after regaining the ability to breathe: ]
We shouldn't go to Hong Kong, though. I don't speak Chinese. [ barely half a beat — ] You're hot, okay? I dunno if that's like, superficial or... whatever, but it's true, okay?
[ Now they're just reading him for filth. Because yeah, he absolutely would drop everything and fly to Hong Kong with them. He might push a little, to make sure it was the kind of whim that lasted at least a week, and not five minutes, but yeah. He'd go.
Jesse snorts a little too, shaking his head. But he doesn't miss the one exaggerated part of that story. They're right, he's never called them babe. He knows that, because he's always been so vigilant. So careful not to cross any lines that can't be uncrossed.
The kinds of lines that Darcy is running right over at full speed, without any hesitation whatsoever. Jesse's quiet for a moment, just holding them. ]
You're hot, too.
You're super hot. And I'd go anywhere with you you wanted to go.
i'm fine! i promise i dont need a hospital, i bounce back rly quickly sorry i got distracted
and um abt turning left its like i dont wanna go against incoming traffic i always feel like im gonna get hit so its easier to just turn right & not think abt it as much even tho its not like there arent a million other ways to crash a car idk
[Okay, to be honest? He wasn't prepared for that. At all. Especially over a text. Is it bad he thinks he might have been able to handle an admission like that better face-to-face?]
That must have been really traumatic for you. Darcy, have you talked to anyone about this?
[ well, they appreciate hearing they're not a freak 😭 but also they're young enough that face-to-face communication may not actually be real wheeze ]
no i felt weird abt it like what was i gonna say like if i said it was my fault they'd have to call the police right????
anyway no i couldnt even talk to my friends bc after it happened i was really depressed and "freaking them out" 😡 sry my emotions are so FREAKY & then i dropped out & had to go home w my parents thats a whole other thing lol if my friends didnt care my parents really didnt 😞
Emotions are complicated, and some people aren't very good at handling the emotions of others. I'm sorry you didn't have a good support system when you needed it.
[here have an address]
If you ever want someone to talk to, about this, or anything else, this is where you can find me. My door's always open, Darcy.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
thx
[ damn it almost got a little Emotional there. time to uh... rollerskate on past that. ]
NO next to it!! do you go inside the wifi router?
anyway i saw someone set their fridge as their location so i wanna tweet from a washing machine
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so are you saying you wanna go appliance shopping?
[ Because he totally will, if they want to. ]
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maybe?
if we go to home depot we can go to the lights aisle
not to buy lights i just like to be there 💡💡💡
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[ What's the point of Home Depot without it??
And apparently he really is their sugar daddy, or whatever, because there's zero hesitation when they suggest buying a fancy new washing machine on a whim. Just this. ]
you wanna go like now?
no subject
now???
i mean i dont wanna NOT go now but
r u sure???
i wasnt like serious
the washing machine we have now really does suck tho
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Besides, it makes Darcy happy. So it's fine. ]
yeah it does
doesn't hurt to look right?
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we have to go to the door section too
when i was a kid i thought all the doors went somewhere
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i kinda always wanted to live there y'know? in like a house made of doors
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like where they're all grouped together & if you go through one ur like in a lil door room
that would be sick
did u wanna live in one of the storage sheds that looks like a house too bc i did
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but yeah that's where i wanted to live, like in one of those little door rooms. except a whole house like that.
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i didnt think of that when i was like 6 tho
we could MAKE a door house
ok maybe not a whole house but like
a door room
or like a little house
OH
like a shed
no subject
what do we do for a roof?
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u would probably have to use normal roof stuff
or really big doors like garage-sized
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like a built in sunroof for your house
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we gotta now
we're brilliant
😍🥰💖💖💖🚪🏠
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gotta patent the door house and get rich off that shit
for ~blueshit 🖤
drunksome kind of way after it. (does darcy even usually drink? no, because it brings back frat party memories. maybe that's why they went so hard, in a "face your fears" but actually stupid way. (they have never attempted a half-measure in their entire life.) ]jesse
hey
jesse
jesse
jeesseeee
r u up
what r u doing
???
jesse
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no subject
wake up 📢📢📢
cmon
can i come in ur room
please
😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
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[ As if he could ever say no to them. But when they wander in, he peeks up from the nest of blankets he's curled up in, eyes squinting and hair sticking up all over the place. ]
Hey, c'mere. [ He scoots over, taking most of the blankets with him, making room on the other side of the bed for them to climb in without risking touching him. ] What's up? You okay?
no subject
Mm-hmm. I decided I'm gonna touch you. I decided.
[ darcy's one braincell, usually: that sounded weird and creepy i should clarify it and also apologize a few times for my general inability to speak
darcy's one brain cell
on drugsdrunk: HAHA YEET MOTHERFUCKERSanyway: the situation becomes more clear when they're close enough to tell that they smell like an alcoholic jolly rancher and instead of talking at the pace of "oxygen is in short supply", their speech is more deliberate (and slightly slurred.) ]
Give me your hand, okay?
[ they hold out their own hand for taking, palm up, imbued with courage/stupidity. ]
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[ Darcy's his best friend, and he'd do anything they ask. In fact, most of Jesse's free time these days is spent catering to Darcy's every whim and kind of loving it. But for all the time they spend together, drinking or getting high or just hanging out for hours on end, there's one line they don't cross. Darcy hasn't touched him since the day they met outside Denny's, when they'd put their hands around his throat and nearly killed him. It's not that Jesse's afraid of them. It had been a demonstration - maybe not the best thing to do to a stranger to convince them how dangerous you are, but it had all worked out fine. Jesse knows they wouldn't hurt him, not really.
But he also knows how anxious they are about it. How they still freeze up a little if he happens to get too close for comfort. And he can smell whatever fruity drink they'd been drinking from here. ]
Whoa, whoa, hey, Darce...
[ He looks at them, brow furrowed in concern, and doesn't offer his hand. ]
What's up, huh? How long've you been drinking?
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[ darcy laughs at their bizarre non-answer, because they are a comedian. meanwhile: their outstretched hand stays where it is, patiently waiting. steady, even. (or at least swaying with the rest of them, as opposed to trembling.) ]
Jesse. Jesse. [ their tone is righton the edge of whining. not there, but close. ] It's fine. I'm not... I'm not worried about it anymore, okay? I fixed me. It's okay. C'mon. It'll be fine.
[ they start to frown. ] Unless…. You’re scared of me? It’s kind of bullshit if you keep telling me I’m not a monster but you’re scared of me.
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[ Yeah, they have been drinking...a lot, huh. Jesse sighs, shaking his head. ]
I'm not scared of you, Darce. I promise.
[ But he still doesn't reach for their hand. Because it's not just about him. He knows it's not. ]
You fixed...you.
[ His tone of voice says all there is to say about his opinion of that phrasing. Darcy's not broken. ]
What did you fix?
no subject
No, no, no, I just mean... I'm not scared anymore. That's what's broken. Part of it. It sucks, okay? I don't like it. I don't like feeling like my chest is gonna explode, okay? So just... let me...
[ because they are both an assortment of impulses in a trenchcoat and not satisfied by not immediately getting what they want, their hand snakes to the side of jesse's face. hands soft, fingers not grazing but not pressing down. their touch has a warm, buzzing quality to it, but that's it. no attempted murder. (whew) yeet. they would possibly be staring if their gaze weren't so unfocused.
and then, quite pleased with themselves: ]
See? It's fine.
no subject
But he's not expecting them to actually reach out and touch him, and he's so taken off guard that his breath hitches at the soft contact before he can regain control of himself. He can feel something, a quiet buzzing under the gentle brush of their fingers, but it doesn't feel dangerous at all, and he just gazes at them, wide-eyed. His heart feels like it's beating too fast in his chest. ]
Darcy...what's going on?
no subject
I just wanted ...
[ if they fucked it up with jesse? it would be fine. at least, thats what they told themselves. they could pull another disappearing act, yeet across the country. maybe not even have a panic attack at denny's in the process.
but the thought of needing to do it makes their heart sink in their chest. they'd never run away from a place they actually wanted to stay. it was a different vibe — a worse one. ]
I wanted to touch you again, okay? Without being too scared. Don't make me leave, okay? I don't want — I can't like anyone, so it's okay.
[ vaguely coherent ramble, take one. ]
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[ Jesse shakes his head urgently, eyes widening. ]
I don't want you to leave. I don't, okay?
[ No matter what else happens here, they have to understand that. He's tried so hard to make them feel safe here, to reassure them how much he wants them around. If they vanished, if they ran off and got hurt, he'd never forgive himself. He starts to reach up towards their hand on his cheek, then hesitates. ]
Can I?
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but then the question is accompanied by a follow-up question, and the beginning of movement. it's darcy's turn for their breath to catch in their chest, graze drifting from his hand and back to his face. ]
Okay. [ they nod again, for emphasis. ] Please. I ... don't change your mind about me. That's what I — what I was trying to say.
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[ He's in way too deep for that. Darcy's been trying, to some extent, to convince Jesse to give up on them from the moment they'd met, and it hasn't worked yet. He sees them too clearly for that. He knows what it's like to be alone, to feel abandoned by your family, to feel like a monster. And Darcy's far from a monster, whatever they might think. They're a good person. A person Jesse cares about, a lot.
He raises his hand slowly, settling it over their smaller one and just resting it there. Just feeling their skin against his. He doesn't die. The world doesn't end.
Jesse smiles at Darcy, his eyes warm. ]
Look at that.
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I can't because I'm looking at your face.
[ there it is. they laugh — at their own joke. (it doesn't matter that their hands are right there next to his face. still a joke.) it's nice to just... soak in his warmth? for once. for the first time in forever.mp3. ]
I don't feel good. Not because of your face or... your face.
no subject
But shit, it feels good. It feels fucking amazing just to be able to do this much.
His expression changes to one of concern the moment they say I don't feel good. ]
What is it?
What's wrong?
no subject
I drank too much. If I slept on you like, with the blanket and clothes and stuff between us, maybe it would be okay?
Like, I wouldn't freak out. ... And a trash can, I might need that.
[ not wanting to untangle their hand from jesse's, their other hand wanders to his shirt. their fingers brush against his ches. testing those limits. so far, so good — as in, no stillness that sucks the air out of the room. it's possible they're too drunk to focus, anyway. ]
no subject
But they're drunk. And what if they do freak out, waking up like that? What happens then?
Then Darcy's fingers brush against the front of his t-shirt, and he feels warmth bloom throughout his chest. He swallows hard. ]
C'mere.
[ His giant t-shirt and hoodie would probably be enough of a barrier on their own. But he drags up a blanket or two between them anyway, just in case, and then holds out his arms to pull them in close against him. ]
no subject
I'm like a burrito. [ they mutter, snorting about their little joke to themselves. (it's good, actually. jesse is warm and, layers aside, this is still the closest thing to close contact they've had in a minute. normally the thought of being too close, even allowing that potential, would freeze them in their tracks. now? it's... okay. ish. it's better. the ish is only ish because: ]
Hn... I can't feel my face. And I'm cold. [ they press themselves against jesse harder. ] It's not supposed to be cold. 's bullshit.
no subject
[ He does not control the weather, Darcy. Jesse throws one of the blankets over them, legit tucking them in against him. ]
It gets cold at night in the desert.
[ But he's there. And once the blankets are all arranged, he wraps his arms around them, pulling them in close.
It's nice. It's...really nice. Darcy's small and fits perfectly in the circle of Jesse's arms, and when he tucks his chin up on top of their head he feels...at peace in a way he hasn't for a long time. ]
Don't throw up in my bed.
no subject
[ they have a nice little chortle to themselves. the burrito mood distracts from the nausea of drinking too much. they crane their neck to get a better look at jesse, abruptly. ]
Hey. Hey. So, if I... liked you... would it be bad? I know you said I wouldn't have to leave, but...
[ what if he changes his mind? they're too tired to retread that thought spiral in full. ]
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But what they say next has Jesse's heart stopping in his chest, so abruptly he swears they'll be able to feel it, pressed up against him as they are. He's silent for a moment, trying to regain control over his voice before he speaks. ]
Of course you don't have to leave.
[ Never. There's no question about that. But he swallows, his throat dry, not daring to move. ]
What...what do you mean? If you...
[ They can't mean what he thinks they do, can they? ]
no subject
darcy can't hear his heartbeat, but they can can feel the way he freezes — a familiar sensation, just usually with them doing the freezing. they shift themselves back towards him, feeling dumb and at a loss for what to do. (the drinking did not help.) ]
You're really.... mm. [ quietly, more like a mumble: ] You're not scared of me. And you're thoughtful. And it's funny when you say "bitch" a lot.
no subject
But all that could mean anything. It's all stuff they could say to a friend, and it wouldn't be weird. It doesn't make sense for them to ask if it's okay to like him as a friend. That would be stupid. But then, Darcy's also very drunk, and doing shit that normally they would never do. Like cuddling here with him. Letting him touch them.
He wants to push a little more, find out exactly what they'd meant, but he's also kind of scared of what they might say. Or how they might react once they sober up and start thinking straight again.
Instead, he just squeezes them a little closer. ]
What else do you like?
no subject
[ they laugh at the fantasy they've created where jesse calls them babe. they laugh so hard they snort about it, even, vibrating in the blanket burrito. was it even that funny??? no, lbr. after regaining the ability to breathe: ]
We shouldn't go to Hong Kong, though. I don't speak Chinese. [ barely half a beat — ] You're hot, okay? I dunno if that's like, superficial or... whatever, but it's true, okay?
no subject
Jesse snorts a little too, shaking his head. But he doesn't miss the one exaggerated part of that story. They're right, he's never called them babe. He knows that, because he's always been so vigilant. So careful not to cross any lines that can't be uncrossed.
The kinds of lines that Darcy is running right over at full speed, without any hesitation whatsoever. Jesse's quiet for a moment, just holding them. ]
You're hot, too.
You're super hot. And I'd go anywhere with you you wanted to go.
for ~promiseandprecision
i'm fine! i promise
i dont need a hospital, i bounce back rly quickly
sorry i got distracted
and um abt turning left its like
i dont wanna go against incoming traffic
i always feel like im gonna get hit so
its easier to just turn right
& not think abt it as much
even tho its not like there arent a million other ways to crash a car
idk
no subject
[He worries. He’s a worrier. It’s his thing.]
Okay, I can understand that.
Must making getting some places take a lot longer, though.
[Or impossible in some cases.]
You said your panic attacks just started last year.
You weren’t maybe in a car wreck then, were you?
[Because all of those pieces would fit really well together…]
no subject
& i wont be anytime soon after that!!!
no i wasn't in a car wreck
am i a freak bc i wasnt???
um so
a guy died in front of me
kind of
on me
no subject
No, you're not a freak, Darcy.
[Okay, to be honest? He wasn't prepared for that. At all. Especially over a text. Is it bad he thinks he might have been able to handle an admission like that better face-to-face?]
That must have been really traumatic for you.
Darcy, have you talked to anyone about this?
no subject
no
i felt weird abt it like what was i gonna say
like if i said it was my fault they'd have to call the police right????
anyway
no
i couldnt even talk to my friends bc after it happened i was really depressed and "freaking them out" 😡
sry my emotions are so FREAKY
& then i dropped out & had to go home w my parents
thats a whole other thing
lol if my friends didnt care my parents really didnt 😞
1000yrs later
It must have been terrifying.
Emotions are complicated, and some people aren't very good at handling the emotions of others.
I'm sorry you didn't have a good support system when you needed it.
[here have an address]
If you ever want someone to talk to, about this, or anything else, this is where you can find me.
My door's always open, Darcy.